i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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