If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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