after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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