Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
