I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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