Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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