this boner is exhausting
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
