I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
