I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
