i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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