tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
