I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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