My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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