I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
