I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
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also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
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I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
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