just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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