a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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