Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
