i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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