using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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