I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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