Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
