On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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