This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
