so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
