I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
