i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
