your thong is hanging out like whoa
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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