Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
