textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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