foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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