i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
