you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
