alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I wish you could order shots online.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
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Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
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Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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