I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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