I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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