Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
