Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Less talking, more tequila
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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