The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
