And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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