I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
