it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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