I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
home. puking in laundry basket.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
