So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
