I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She bit a glass in half.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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