im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
