Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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