Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
