Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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