tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
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I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
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My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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