I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
