All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
