i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
