Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
