I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
