chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.