Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways