Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
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Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
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Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.