Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?