Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
