tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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