whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My feet surprised me
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
