i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
